I Love You But I Hurt You
by RaveN MiZt
Summary: **THE FINAL CHAPTER YES, IT'S COMPLETE!!**Hermione is in her 6th year at Hogwarts. She has a secret that makes her take the wrong decisions, and ruin some people's life as well as hers. Now, she will have more to deal than just her secret.
1. My Secret

**I love you but I hurt you**

_A/N: this is angsty but fluff. It's Herm thinking about her problems and love. This is like a diary entry got it? It's H/H. It will have a second chapter, so if you like it…and Review telling me so, I'll post the next. I think it's a good plot but I don't know if you're going to think the same. I'm feeling the same too, like I always ruin boys' lives…but haven't got that number of boyfriends. I has nothing to do with my other fics, although Isabel is on it. Well, enough of my babbling. R&R!!!!(please guys, I really need to cheer up…)_

**Chapter 1: My secret**

14th February, Valentine's day

God, it's snowing. It looks simply beautiful, the flakes falling and crashing meters down this dorm. But its so sad…it makes me remember yesterday…We, Harry and me, at the Astronomy tower. We got there under his invisibility cloak. It was very funny, having him by my side, in the dark, wandering through the castles. Just suddenly, he decided we were going there. It was cold, snowing just like now. 

//flashback//

"Herm, You know that there's a ball tomorrow right?"

"Right" I said, sounding so oblivious. I knew what would happen the second after. And it did. He took me by my waist, rested his head on my shoulder as we looked outside, to the big Hogwarts grounds, in the immensity our little, happy worlds where problems seemed far away although they really didn't. Snow falling in my cheeks. I didn't feel cold though. I felt nervous, and sorry.

"Then…wannagowithme?" He said it very fast I could hear the quiver on his voice. I knew he was going to ask me, perhaps that he had a crush on me. I could notice by the way he looked at me…and the way he treated me.

He was nervous. But inside me, there was a fight, yes or no…the answer. But I didn't want to do it again…

"I'm…going with somebody else…"

"Who are you going with?" he still didn't get his arm out of my waist and his head over my shoulder. But he was sad… I could feel it in his voice, as my heart ached. It was regretting the last few words my mind dared to say.

//end of fb//

It was an awful thing to do. It was stupid. Saying no to Harry Potter. Girls all over the world would've given their lives to go out with the emerald-eyed boy. The famous Harry Potter, and I simply said no. Is that I've got a secret, a big secret. 

"Herm…the ball remember? You should be getting ready!!" 

Yes…the ball's today. And who was yelling at me behind the door was my good friend Isabel. She's going with Ron. She doesn't even now this, the secret I'm about to reveal.

I remember, that from my very first years of life, I had friends from the opposite sex. Our mom's would take us to the park near my house and leave us in the sandbox, as they sat in a nearby bench to watch after us. 

By the end, I would always make my friend cry. 

So you could say it was just because we were babies. But when I was at the school, it happened the same, though they didn't cry, but get mad at me, and hate me for the rest of that year. 

When I was ten, almost every guy in the school hated me. Not because I got with everyone, but because the story went from mouth to mouth, making me popular by the nick name "black widow", just as the spider.

And when I was feeling the worst, the Hogwarts letter arrived. It was almost like a blessing from God to me. I bought everything I needed, and got very exited in the first day. But most of all, I swore for my dear life I wasn't going to ruin any boys' life. That I wasn't going to get that bad fame I had at my muggle school. 

And it worked. By sounding bossy and being more know-it-all than ever, no boy looked at me, like a girl. They simply knew me as a bookworm. I had two friends, of course, but never allowed them to know me like a girl. Just like a dictionary with feet that could help them in their homework. 

All this worked as I liked for the first three years. During summers I didn't go anywhere that wasn't the market or Diagon Alley. Sometimes we traveled to France, but it was no problem. I didn't make any problem. Things were going all right.

The things went out of my hand at 4th year. First, it was Vicktor. Vicktor Krum, the famous Bulgarian quidditch player had fallen for me, a muggleborn girl. I must recognize I liked him a little. He was very nice to me and all that. I thought my curse had flown away, that I would never have problems with boys again. I left my know-it-all mask at the girls' dorm resting as I made my best to look as beautiful as a shooting star. And it worked. My hair had returned to be as it was before I decided to be a dictionary and learn everything by heart. The robes I used were simply beautiful and, although I didn't use much make up, many boys gasped as they realized it was none other than Hermione know-it-all Granger. 

But then, I had to brake up with him. I had because he was too old for me, I was 14 and he, 18. My family wasn't going to accept him, and my father was very angry, and promised that if we didn't brake up, he would take me out of Hogwarts and put me in a public school. So I did. One day, I told him to go to the greenhouses. There, I told him what my parents thought. 

The curse hadn't blown away at all. 

Then, it was my neighbor, during the summer. He asked me if we could go out, but he was just like the brother I never had to me. He was nice and all that, but I couldn't date him if I didn't love him. He felt so depressed and sad, he went to his house earlier that usual, and never talked to me again.

The next following summers, happened the same, each one with different boys, and always the same, I ruined their lives. For me, I was getting more and more depressed ever, knowing that I just couldn't get a boy to love without turning upside down their lives. 

But I never expected this to happen. It was during this start-of-term feast that I noticed Harry staring at me. I looked at him right in his eyes…what a beautiful pair of eyes…and he got slightly pink and continued his chatter with Ron about quidditch. But on my side, I knew this was the worst thing ever. 

I knew how his life had been. His parents were dead, and his aunt and uncle treated him as if it was a rat they were raising. Then, having to fight Voldemort several times, being about to die in each of them. 

I did feel something for this emerald-eyed boy. He was charming, handsome, nice, brave, clever and sexy, the ideal for every girl. But I didn't have that sort of crush on him. I felt like I really loved him, and that's why I couldn't date him. I had learnt through my years of cursed relationships with boys that the more I loved them, the more they suffered. I tried to deny it first, immersing my mind in my books. But he saw past my know-it-all mask, something most of the boys aren't able to, and saw the girl I am. And yesterday, as I wrote, he asked me for the ball. I don't want to go out with him. I don't want to ruin his life. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves a girl who will love him as much as I do. 

"C'mon Herm…" 

"I'm going!!!!" 

That was Isabel again. I better start getting ready. 

Nobody knows this. And I hope they never do. It would be best if I had a magical curse. In that case it wouldn't be my fault. I would be able to blame it, instead of blaming my self, and fight it, look up in books any way to do it, drink a potion or something and PRESTO! It's ready, you can run into Harry's arms and hug him and kiss him without making him miserable, as well as you. 

That would be the best. Or at least find a magical lamp, just like in Aladinno and a ghost would make me normal again. But even though it's magical, it ain't possible. 

I found the robes I used in 4th year, they are still beautiful. I'll use them again. I don't know why but I feel like using them now, as I can't use plain black robes. That's how I'm feeling. Miserable. Better cheer up because it'll be a loooong night…

_D/C: feeeew…*pants* I wrote that non-stop. So as you guys know, and the world would be different if they belonged to anybody else (example: me) the HP characters belong to JKR and I don't feel like owning them, except for one. Yessss the emerald-eyed boy is MINE!!!! (mischievous grin)_

_A/N: Review!!!! I need to cheer up!!! Pleeeez I beg u!!! review!!!!_


	2. A Friend's Advise

**I love You but I hurt You**

_A/N: Well...here's chapter2, but before, I wanna tell ya that Herm makes boys' life a misery coz:_

_First, they are very good friends. Then, she's asked if she wants to date. At the beginning she thinks she loves him, but then (few weeks later) she realizes she doesn't. So she tries to give em signals she wants to brake up, but they simply don't get it, and then, she's told he already knows about the thingy, or worst, she says it, and then…well that's the thing, because it's always the same and all that…OK? And Erin-21 said she? didn't get the ending…well…she just goes to the ball…and thinks that is going to be not very funny, because of her mood…dat's all…_

_I think now we shall go to the…ch2! (this ARE diary entries, this chapter not so long, but 3 is coming ahead…tell me if you like long or short stories and how many chapters. Take it as a poll)_

**Chapter2: A friend's Advice**

3:16 AM

I'm just returning from the ball. I just feel so bad…But at least he's ok. He was there, with Cho, she was with a tight red robe. She looked just like a…a bitch. Sounds like I'm jealous. But it's better like that. At least he seems happy. But for me…well I had to go with Neville…he's not a bad boy. It's just that…I feel guilty for not going with Harry. For loosing this opportunity. But now…well, I feel like, I don't know. He told me he wanted to meet me tomorrow…by the lake. 

But I'm too confused…it's like one part of myself says _*c'mon girl, run and go. Don't be that oblivious you know he'll tell you what you've been longing to hear!!*and the other tells me to stay here, to tell him I can't go, to do whatever in order not to get a date with him. _

I felt this way before…many times. But the part that tells me to go had never been so strong, I mean, the wish of being with him…of accepting…It simply suppurates the other part. 

That's why sometimes I'm a bookworm, and sometimes I'm a girl…because of this confusion, of this battle I have to constantly deal with.

What if I told Isabel? She may help me…but I don't know if she'll believe me. She's the only girl I can trust. Imagine Parvati hearing all I'm writing. Or Lavender. They'll simply laugh and spread it like a funny gossip to laugh at. It's that I can't get along with those girls. I think they hate because of that article made by Rita Skeeter in my 4th year… Because I was with Krum, and now because of Harry…

At least nobody will read this. At least I can trust a piece of paper and a pen. It seems like I'm going mad. And it's because I know I can't love although everything is given to me to make a great couple.

It seems like Ron's encouraging Harry to tell me what he has to. I saw them during the ball talking, and stopping immediately after I got by them to talk. It feels so bad to know that…

I've just closed my curtains around me. Yes, I'm in my bed at the girls' dorm. Isabel just entered. Then, came the loud chatter of the other girls. They were commenting on the typical things. Harry, Ron, Seamus, Draco, Dean…and some other 7th year boys. How they looked at the ball…it's awful to hear them just babbling on how a boy looks, not even knowing how he is on the inside. May be I don't like it just because I can't do it, or never had to do it. Because of this I wasn't very popular at my school. Never knew how it was to investigate about a certain boy or pass the whole break starring to them. 

I think the best will be to ask her for advise. I hate asking for it but…this is an emergency. Just for this time…I promise…no, I swear I'll never ask for advice again. It sounds ridiculous but… this is Hermione Granger and her pride. Now, as it is very late and I'm expecting to catch some sleep, I'll stop writing one of the many passages of my life. In this case the honor is to: LOVE. That thingy that makes you feel like butterflies in your stomach, that makes your legs feel like jelly and makes your heart beat faster than ever before, all in a second. The time you see he is staring at you. When he speaks to you…when he tells you he has to talk to you…

9:45 AM

God!! I fell asleep as I wrote. The notebook I use as I diary (I don't like them, sounds too cheesy, Imagine, "the diary of a cursed witch, Hermione Granger…"it sounds awful…) it was over my stomach. It was upside down, and my pen still in my hand. I'm still in the robes I used for the dance. I had to do something first.

I had to talk to Isabel.

**//flashback//**

"You?...An advise?...c'mon, you're joking me…" she couldn't believe I was asking her for it

"Yes…there's a lil' thingy I've got to tell you…"

"And…what is it? Suddenly you realized Harry had a crush on you?" She was kinda sleepy, and just babbled, as everyone does when it's in this condition.

"No but…"And then, I started with the story. 

She could barely believe it, it even made her wake completely up. 

"God Herm….and Do you love…?"

"that's the problem, I do love him, but I don't want to hurt him."

"But if you don't try…you should really do. C'mon, go and do what you feel like doing…."

"So you suggest I should try and…see what happens? If I screw it up or not?"

"If you REALLY love him, you WILL NOT screw it up…How much girls have the FAMOUS Harry Potter at her feet? NONE!"

"Don't make me feel more guilty than I do…"

**//end of FB//**

She gave me a really good advise. She's right. I must go. I don't want it to end just as the other ones did. 

I must go now, she's calling me to hurry up, and go with her to the Great Hall. I don't want to meet Harry…or I do? I dunno…

_A/N: what can I say…that was really short. But as I said, ch3 is coming soon, if you like. I just saw the movie. I didn't want to but then…went with some friends. I just couldn't stop laughing at Malfoy's "hairstyle", and liked the Mirror of Erised…but enough of babble. Remember to review and to answer the lil' poll. **Do you like the short or long stories? How many Chapters?**_

_D/C: yet again? How many times shall I state the obvious? Well…for the ones who like to sue…, HARRY POTTER, characters, names and related indicia belong to Joanne Kathleen Rowling. No money is made with this. All I own is my mind, the plot…and not the computer. But Harry seems to be mine although it may carry some problems…_


	3. Under The Cloak

**I love you But I Hurt You**

_A/N: Wow! You reviewed! Thanx a lot guys! Hi __Gary__ skinner, I've seen that before…Well here comes the ch3…you said ASAP…well…THIS is ASAP! ya know sth? This was at first a 2 chapter story but…I got inspiration from the heaven…And not even 2…it was just one…like an angst monologue with some flashbacks…then they were diary entries and…finally I got ch3 out…TOMORROW I FINISH SCHOOL!! Yay!, in 14 hours more or less I'll be on vacation and free to do WHATEVER!!!! And, if I'm lucky…I'll be receiving a diploma too…for having good marks in English…good marks in general…"All Rounder"…well the mysterious voice that inspirits me says that I should stop the babbling…Thanx for the reviews!!!!_

**Chapter3: Under the cloak**

Tuesday 18th February 

20:45

God! Yesterday, Isabel obliged me to go by the lake. It was by the sunset, and he was sitting by a tree. He was studying, Potions as I could notice. He looked really cute. Then he noticed I was there, and got to his feet….

God! I'm not doing this the way it should be. The thing is that we sat under the tree, and he started talking about Cho…then, about Ron and Isabel….

//flashback//

"…I think they are a great couple and all…what d'ya think?" he kept on babbling, making me more nervous on what he may say or not.

"For me it's ok…Hey, look at Malfoy…seems he used all the gel jar or something…"(A/N: the movie…)

"I hate that guy…anyways, I wanted to tell you something…"God!, I felt more butterflies in my stomach than ever. I could notice his voice was quivering a little.

"Yes?" I started bitting my lip, and playing with the grass, I didn't want to look straight in his emerald-green eyes.

"ummmmm…I…."he was very nervous, his voice now clearly quivering

"Hello sweethearts!" it was the bouncing ferret Malfoy, drawling and sneering as always. I really hated that guy, but at least, came just before Harry told me what he had to. It was some sort of relief.

"I told ya Malfoy…"Harry was still on the ground, Malfoy at his back, and not even looking at him.

"Are you threatening me? If I were you, I wouldn't do that…" 

"Why?" Harry said, now turning to face him. But I already knew why. By Malfoy, there was none other than Snape.

"I told you they would be here professor…" Malfoy said to Snape, giving him one of his *honest* smiles

But then I saw Professor McGonnagal walking quickly to were we where. She had a worried expression on her face.

"I need Potter…quick…"she said as she stood by Snape. She was panting.

"But I…"

"It's for Dumbledore…Ms. Granger, go inside the castle please…"At this, he looked at me as if I could tell him why. How cute…

//end of FB//

What a thing…We almost got a detention from Snape…but, For what reason would Dumbledore want Harry?

At least he couldn't tell me the THING. I can't say him no…imagine, all he has suffered in his life, and me…being one reason more…

00:35

Harry has been really strange since…Dumbledore called him. I think he told him something…I realized it when we were down at the common room, and he was just like staring at the fire and…

God! You won't believe me but it has just arrived an owl…"how strange…my parents don't have an owl at all" It was the first I thought. But it was Harry's…he wants me to go to the library. So he'll tell me the thingy thongy after all…God! I need a rope…what for? For hanging myself from the ceiling. I need a way to disappear…but in the Hogwarts grounds you can't…The only way left is to…go and face my destiny…

2:15 AM

And Dumbledore DID tell him something. I will never forget the way he told me. The way he looked at me. As if he was waiting for me to hug him and to help him. He doesn't even know that, although I don't even mean to, I'll sure be a curse for him…

//flashback//

"Herm!, good you came…I must tell you…"he was jumpy, and was sitting on one of the tables, I couldn't see his face, it was dark and gloomy. I stood up in front of him, I was too nervous to remain still.

"What?" I thought it was just what he was going to tell me. How wrong I was.

"Do you know what may happen if Voldemort took over the Ministry of Magic?" I could feel his eyes looking straight onto mines.

"But…that's impossible…"

"It is…all you have to do is to make the minister a dead eater and…" he looked downwards. 

"But…"

"..and then, he'll follow Voldemort's orders, as a puppet… that's why Fudge didn't want to accept Voldemort had returned, he didn't want to tell the world about it. "

"so he is a dead eater then…I could never suspect so…"

"Dumbledore says I should go back to the Dursleys'. But I think my place is in here. He says he's coming for me, as if he couldn't just get me there…"

"But he's right, you…"

"I knew you were going to say that. Please Herm, I need your help…"he stood up and looked at me straight in my eyes. He looked so sad…he was like begging me for something, in that moment I couldn't put a finger on it. Now I know. It was love he was asking… I couldn't help it but hug him, I was like melting for him. He hugged me tight, and buried his face in my shoulder. He was like weeping. God…it was so…I just started crying too. 

"I…don't want him to…take over…Hogwarts…" he was saying between sobs, his voice muffled.

I didn't know what to say. I was the only one who could help him, and I didn't. We stayed like that, in the darkness of the night, hugging each other, I felt so…happy and sad and concerned and…so many things I felt at the same time…

Suddenly, we heard a meow. I looked to the doorframe. Two bright, yellow and cat-like eyes looked at us. It was Mrs. Norris. She was sitting in the spot.

"Harry…"he was calm now, but his face still buried in my shoulder.

"mmmmm…" his voice answered me, muffled.

"It's Mrs. Norris…"at this, he looked up.

"And that's why I brought this…"he took the invisibility cloak and covered us.

//end of FB//

It was a good thing it was gloomy. In that way he wasn't able to see my swelled eyes. And my blushed face. It was because, under the cloak…

//flashback//(A/N: yet again)

"c'mon cat, were not here…" I didn't know what to say in order to get out of under the cloak…a not really good place for being with your love.

"Shhhh....she's leaving…"he said as he put a finger on my lips.

"look this…"I took out my wand and with a banishing charm, I shoved it off. She was rocketed to one of the armors. I couldn't control it…I was so nervous…

"Good…let's get outta here…"

"Right…"

We walked to the common room, still under the cloak…damned cloak…or blessed? Who cares… But, he suddenly stopped by a window. It was completely lit by the moonlight. From there you could see the lake.

"Herm?"

"mmmm?"

"Don't mention this to anybody right?"

"Ok…"

"No…not that, this…" it was…terrible and good. He kissed me. Yes, under the cloak, by the moonlight, with the lake at my back. Well the window…but it was so romantic…to feel his lips in mines…I could feel his face hot, as if he was blushing. It was…it was like the coldness of the night couldn't get past us. Like even my curse was gone for a moment, the moment the kiss lasted…

//end of FB//

So much things…I just can manage to write them well…I…don't know what to say, to feel sad or not…I think I'll not be able to sleep tonight…although I feel like I would just drop myself in bed…I'm so excited…yet so sad…yet so happy…well I'll stop the babbling. Hope by the day I understand this…I'm too tired to write it well, to correct it…

_A/N: this are diary entries…when you're tired and over-exited, you don't write with a beautiful grammar…really…she's just babbling as I mostly do 'round here…so well…hope you like me including Voldie-Moldie in this fic…I can picture it in my mind…yay! it's good…mmmmm…how will I write it? And when?...well if I don't post the chapter tomorrow, it'll be posted during next week, Monday or Tuesday…during the weekend I'll go to my Gran's house and she certainly doesn't have a computer…Well I'll stop the babbling…R&R…_

_D/C: Once again…I don't know why I have to write it, everyone knows it but…I don't want 'em to sue me…so HP characters belong to me…hey no evil computer!!…they belong to JKR…*slaps computer* and Harry? Well…for this time he belongs to JKR too…this evil machine is my dad's and…I own NOTHING!!!! FIESTA!!!!!!!!!!_

**R&R**** ^_^**


	4. I Lost My diary

**I love you but I hurt you**

_A/N: this is chapter 4…I had totally forgotten I had it done since Friday…This is pretty short but…on 5 action will start…after I think on how to write action on a diary…that's pretty difficult guys…so i'll burn my brain to think 'bout sth…Oh yeah…and I must tell you too that is very difficult to write when you are always going to the cinema or friends' houses…and on Friday there's a slight possibility of me receiving a prize at my school…geeez I'm a know-it-all…(I suck…but…what can I do for it? Nada!)_

_Forget it…just R&R!_

**Chapter 4: I lost my diary**

February 24th 

21:25

Hello...here I am, once again, writing in my dorm. It's a cloudy, dark night. There are no stars, no moon no nothing. What can I say…It's cold, and it's difficult to write when you're shivering…

Harry seems to have forgotten what happened last week. It's…curious… May be it was just a dream…Then, I may seem a fool to him. I was at the Charms class, when suddenly Isabel whispered to me I was like daydreaming, that could be told by my dream-like expression, and that I was staring into Harry's direction. With the last, I jumped and noticed most of the class was starring at me…

Isabel doesn't know about the kiss yet. Of course she doesn't. It would be like "OH MY GOD" and then "See? I told ya!" I know she'll say that…

Those books…shall I return to my studies or keep daydreaming? McGonnagall told us she'd make a not-very-easy exam…for tomorrow…Harry wants me to help him. I almost forgot that. What if he kisses me again? Or worse…what if he wants to go out with me? It's that I'm so confused…

And that thing about the Ministry of Magic being taken over by You-Know-Who. It means that he'll come sooner or later to the school. Dumbledore's right about that. But Harry wants to fight…and he may die…but he's such a great wizard. But it would be better if he went back to his aunt and uncle's place…Well, I better go down to the common room. My destiny awaits…and the books too…

(The note that was left for Herm)

I can't believe you Herm…I mean, How dare you saying no to Harry Potter?!...I just can't stand you. And then, go with him during the night, wandering around Hogwarts and kissing…and perhaps what more…It seems Rita Skeeter was right when she wrote about you…And you thought Cho was a bitch? What about you? They were right to call you black widow…you flirt with boys, catch them, and then kill them. Just as the spider. And we thought you were just a bookworm…seems you're more than that…a bitch.

And now, some words from Ms. Cho Chang…

How dare you call me like that? Try to call me like that after I get a grip on you. I think they're right. How dare you say no to HIM? What do you want eh? He's the most famous wizard all over the world…But still not enough for a know-it-all? And what were you saying about Parvati and Lavender spreading your secret all over Hogwarts? You're afraid you're friends will no longer be kind to you? You're afraid Harry stops drooling for you? Well…say you're prays then…And if you want you're diary back…then you'll have to do some things for me…

I always thought you had something hidden under that know-it-all appearance. It was too perfect. Always having the best marks and all. Being the teacher's pet…And I was right. In 4th year, Krum, "the famous quidditch player", as you say, was drooling for you. But then, you simply dumped him. It wasn't enough for you…I can't believe a plain, bushy-haired girl, if you can be called like that, can make famous, handsome boys drool after her without even moving a finger…and be a contest to us, pretty girls.

I bet you use a love potion or something. As you're so good for that. Or a charm. But it CAN'T be real…Now, as my friend Cho said, You'll have your diary back, after you do some things to us. Don't worry, they will be little things…

//end of the unattached page//

March 8th

You won't believe what happened…Parvati, Lavender and Cho found my diary, stole and read it. But then, they wrote a not-so-friendly note, and left it over my pillow. They were asking me for some little favors, as they said. But they weren't. They asked me to do their homework and help them in the exams. They threatened me to spread the secret. Well…for almost two weeks of being their slave, I finally got my diary back. I'm sure they'll get beautiful marks, all because of me. What else can I say. The best is to remain calm. If I start saying How dare stealing my diary, and writing all those things about me, I'll never end. 

Well…during all that time, Harry has been speaking to himself, muttering things that sound like curses and Voldemort. Putting two and two together, you immediately realize he's up to something…he's actually planning something…Dumbledore has called him to his office several times. Then he returns muttering things about the old coot not letting him stay. Ron doesn't know a thing yet…It's not that I hate him or something but…well he's a coward sometimes, specially referring to you-know-who. And Isabel…well, she seems happy with Ron, they are still in their little happy world. 

And me…me and Harry, Harry and me…I keep daydreaming about that. For the first time in my life I can't concentrate on the parchment McGonagall told us to do. It's for the 10th…and pretty long…

Well… I feel like head over heels right now…and that's no good. You don't even know what happens when I'm in this mood…Geezzz I'm scary…no just a joke…I'm plain same Hermione of always…

Now I'm going downstairs. I can't believe I sound this cheerful now. I can't believe it's me…but well…on with the parchment thingy…

There's a little thing I want to say before I go to work. Isabel and me are going to prepare a very good potion in Myrtle's bathroom. What for? Have you ever heard about revenge? And I love this mischievous grin…by the way, this wasn't my idea, It was Isabel's. She found the note teased crumpled up by my bed one day and read it. And well…she thought about this plan and now…after I finish this I'm going to work on the potion…mwahahahaha!!

Hey…I sound like crazy or something…well…omit the crazy laugh…

_A/N: Chapter 5 is in my head right now...but not the way of writing it…geeeez…it's pretty good…a couple of chapters more and…FIN yay! __It__'s about to end…well chao! Lean y apreten ese botoncito que esta abajo…_

**_Ah! I forgot to say I've got some HP bad fics for MST's...if you want 'em, email me at _****_isivi@latinmail.com_****_ or tell me in the review and give me your mail K? __ and as this was short, chapter 5 will come flying ASAP…it's almost done so…you'll see it 'round here sooner or later…'round this week…perhaps tomorrow…who knows…_**

_D/C: Yet again?! I'm getting quite bored of writing 'em. They belong to JKR HAPPY?_

_And they were forever happy for the rest of the eternity_

**R&R**** ^_^**

**(Remember: if you want HP badfics for MST's…tell me)**


	5. At The Stairs Outside

**I Love You But I Hurt You**

****

****

_A/N: Hey guys! I say ASAP…so ASAP I post.- I always carry out what I promise, I PROMISE! Yay! I liked this chapter. Is like…Herm babbling…And a strange guy looking desperately for Dumbledore…curious…so now…R&R!_

**Chapter5: At the stairs outside**

March 22nd 23:41

Today was awful. Harry Potter had told me to go by the lake today at 20:00PM. First, I tried to think on something good to tell him, and excuse myself for not going. But Isabel had to open her mouth and tell him I had nothing to do, that I had finished all the homework and didn't have to study for anything. What can I say…It was true but I feel like punching her right on the face…Anyways, it's not her fault what happened. It was mine. 

//flashback//

"Hey Herm…" he was wandering around the stairs in front of the big door that lead to the grounds.

"Hey…" I was felling rather ashamed, nervous…

"Nice sunset.." it was all fake. I could note it…but anyways, answered. It was cute watching him this nervous. How bad girl I am…

"It's beautiful…but it's rather cold outside…why don't we go in?" He really needed help…and inside was more safe…for me. At least there I could, all of sudden catch a glimpse of Isabel or…anybody in sight and call for help. I mean call the person and, if I'm lucky, fly away to my safe, comfortable dorm.

"No…It's better here…" and he took me by my shoulders. He sat, and me too. The stairs were cold, and made shivers run my back

"Harry, I must go study…"

"No…Isabel said you had finished everything…"

"She doesn't know a thing…!!"I started giggling. I was nervous. Pretty nervous. It was getting dark. That was good. Then, Filch would find us and send us to Professor McGonagall or Snape or whoever and then…the detention…and he couldn't tell me what he had to

"Herm…I…need to tell you something…"With this, all my stupid ideas of not facing what was about to come flew away. His voice was quivering, and I couldn't help but giggle a little. 

"…mmm…"was all I answered between my silent giggles. He took his arms of my shoulders. I looked to my right. There he was, sitting, his face completely red, his eyes staring at his shoes. Then, he started giggling…

"What's that for…?" I asked. It was kinda strange. GIGGLING?

"…I can even…defeat…Voldemort…I almost…killed him…and…can't say …*I love you* to a girl…." He said all that between giggles…I was staring at him. Then, he lifted his gaze. Our eyes met.

"Wannagooutwithme?" he asked very fast, with a pair of emerald, puppy eyes. How cute…

And now…the thing I didn't want to get to. The NO I CAN'T or the I'D LOVE TO but then, a few weeks later I CAN'T BE WITH YOU ANYMORE…What to do? What to say? I started looking around for help, for mercy from someone who wasn't there…Then, I stared at my feet.

"I…Can't…" was all my voice could whisper. Urg! Stupid voice…! You speak just when you don't need to…

"You…You C-A-N'-T? he said it slowly, as if he hadn't heard well…but again, my voice betrayed me saying what it didn't have to

"I can't…my neighbor…Erik…I'm with him and…" It was true that thing about Erik. Yes, he was my neighbor, but that had passed long ago…He looked downwards. 

"Then…ummmm…just, forget…" he wanted me to forget it. How to forget MY mistake? He couldn't finish. My cry for mercy, as I call it, was answered, but too late. Someone appeared from nowhere…strange thing. You can't appear in Hogwarts grounds…but he used a portkey. He just walked in the castle. Then, Harry entered, as if to escape from me, all the time looking downwards. Me…well I was left alone, sad, and alone. All for my stupidity.

//end of FB//

It was true. All of what happened outside, was true, and stupid. I love him. He says he loves me. And I HAD to say NO. Why? Because of my little problem…God! Why Am I So Stupid? Why? Why? Why?

Well…no more for today. I just wanna be alone. I must disappear. For today, I must disappear. 

March 27th 00:18 midnight

How stupid I was! Now he's even more strange that before. I mean, he barely speaks. It could be right if he just didn't speak to me but…he doesn't even speak to Ron, or Isabel. If they were guilty for what happened. The only guilty here it's me. I…I don't know what to do…If there were books about love…Nah, that would be stupid…

I forgot to tell you something. Perhaps I'm just trying to change the topic and cheer up a little. But hey! That's what I need. It works…till I see Harry like that. Then, all goes down to heck. 

So the thing is that that guy was talking to Dumbledore. After I came back from THAT place I don't want to even name right now, I saw him running through the halls to Dumbledore's office. How do I know? It's not that I followed him. He was muttering under his breath all the time. "I need to reach Dumbledore…"It was like he urgently needed to talk to him. That was weird…

The good thing is that nothing has happened with the Ministry yet. Or You-Know–Who is under covering everything? I dunno. Hope there's nothing till…Harry's Ok. It would be no good if You-Know-Who suddenly appeared 'round here and…got Harry. The great problem is that there's nothing I can do to help him right now. And that makes me feel the worst. Isabel is always trying to cheer me up. Always since she saw me in a VERY sad mood, and asked. I told her between sobs and tears what had happened. It was like "What did I tell you? But no one hears me 'round here…" she's like the big sis I never had. You know, always giving you advises and cheering you up. Just as she does. Is that I don't have any brothers or sisters. Just a cousin. Sometimes I hate my life. It's like Why to me? Of all girls? Why to me? And there's no answer. Just a breeze that comes from the open window as I write, and think. It's a shame the books can't tell you those things. Books can tell everything. Complicated potions and curses to beautiful fairy tales. But never heard about a "How To Love? A beginner's guide" It would be great. It's so simple yet so complicated…

I just can't get it. I'm the top of the class, get the best marks, clever and all that, but I don't know how to keep a good relation. As far as I know, the longest one I've had lasted…4 weeks, with Erik, my neighbor. And you know how he was after we broke up. I just don't know what to do to give an end to my curse. I mean, I can't think of something that would work…The only thing I can get to is…MUGGLE MAGIC? What's that?. I mean, is a magazine Isabel left over her bed and I just noticed it. It says things about…CANDLES AND CARDS? INCENSE? That sounds to me like…Trelawney matters…no good. Well, better go to sleep before I get that magazine and turn my self on  PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY Jr…that sounds funny by the way…

_A/N: Trelawney Jr hehehehe!….by the way Is it spelled correctly? Well if not, tell me, I just…don't use that name in my normal vocabulary of everyday use…I'm making some HP badfics. 2 of 'em are totally "I hate Draikoconuts"*cough* Draco. So… If you want 'em for an MST…ask 'em! isivi@latinmail.com that's my mail yeah!_

_Herm will make the super duper potion next chapter. Too much to deal right now…I PROMISE!_

_D/C: I'm getting bored of this so…I own NOTHING if not…I would be poorer that I am now…Liar! I'm not poor, but I'd be if I owned 'em. Better with JKR they are. _

**^_^ ] REVIEW [^_^**


	6. The Fireworks Potion

**I love You But I hurt You**

_A/N: well…Chapter 5 was short too. I'm having lots of free time now that there's no school. And get a bit TOO bored…so…I'm posting this sooner than expected…so now R&R!!...thanx all who reviewed!!! I love your reviews Gary Skinner…I really like 'em…_

****

**Chapter 6: The fireworks potion**

April 4th 21:05 

You know? Isabel told me something very important. I don't know if VERY important as I just stated but…yes, it's very interesting. Ron and Harry were wandering around the castle, as they always do when they are bored. So they went, leaving Isabel back. Oh by the way I don't have the guts yet to look at Harry straight in the eye so I pass most of the time alone. I went with Isabel, she was sitting by the fire. We started babbling and she told me How strange Harry had been lately. I could notice Parvati and Lavender death-staring at me…Who cares about those air-heads? Well…then we took our books to study a little. She really needed help at Herbology. Sometimes she doesn't understand what Professor Sprout says. After a long time, at least that seemed to me. Herbology turns kinda boring sometimes…Ron entered the Common Room. He was panting and red in the face. He sat by Isabel, of course if she's his girlfriend…well the thing is that then entered Harry, two or three books in his arms. He went directly to his Dorm. And let me tell you, those were big books, not exactly what I'd consider *light reading*. We couldn't help but give quizzical looks to Ron, who looked around and said Harry just wanted to study DADA…he was like very unsure about this and then proceeded to take hands with Isabel and…well THAT was a hint for me. It said. GO OUT! GO OUT! in a very high-pitched voice. As it used to be mine when I was younger. I went to my dorm. I was like …"I don't know what to do…" A little bit later, about fifteen minutes after came here to stare at the world, I mean look out the window and do nothing, something I'm not used to…Do nothing…curious…Well the thing is that Isabel went up too. And she told me the important thing I said at the beginning. That guy, the one I saw in that day I don't want to remember right now, was a spy. His name's Sean Todwall and he…well he works for Dumbledore. He tells him everything that happens among the ministry and the dead-eaters. He's supposed to be a dead-eater too. And when there's something, he owls Dumbledore, and if that something is VERY important, he comes personally. As the last time, IF it was the last time he came. Wow…that's why all he wanted was to see Dumbledore. And I thought it was some kind of new teacher, that would come next term or next year…

And yesterday we made the potion. It was Isabel's idea…We went to Myrtle's bathroom. We put a fire…

Bladder  grains  warts

//flashback//

"Now…a those flames would be useful…" she was speaking in whispers. She was thinking about the bluebell flames…

"Right…which cabin…" I casted them, and asked in the same low tone.

"The last one…"We went there and started our work. A few minutes later, we had a smelly, colorless liquid. It was just like water.

"So…you just add the spider's legs and that's all?" I asked, we were still whispering. I don't know why…the potion was smelly enough to make Filch or someone come…

"The potion's ready but…it will remain smelly and will taste really bad. The spider's legs will make it taste like water. You'll add it then."

"TASTE?"

"How did you think they were going to take it? In pills or something?" she said it in a sardonic tone…sometimes my brain just doesn't work at normal speed

"And what is it for?"

"After they take it, during the dinner, they will go straight to the bed. The potion makes them so. But, when they wake up next morning, they will be full of bladder, grains and warps. Specially in the face…" she had now a mischievous grin in her face…

"How much does it last?"

"Let me remember…the whole day. But if they take double dose…two days…"

"So you learnt all this in your Spanish school?"

"Yup…useful isn't it? Now add the spiders' legs before it cools down…"

After I added the legs, we had mischievous grins on our faces and a non-smelly, colorless potion. 

//end of fb//

Those are called good times…well then we went down and waited for dinner. Of course we left the cauldron and all the things at the bathroom. Each took little glasses of the potion and went to the Great Hall. What can I say…the chatter filled our ears. I asked her about the dose, but there was no answer. So, I supposed I had to go to the Ravenclaw table, look for Cho, and finally pour some of the liquid in her goblet. 

It was easy. She was always looking around searching for god-knows-what. Perhaps a certain boy…Who cares? So I poured the whole glass in her goblet that, luckily, was almost empty. Then, I put the goblet back and returned to my table. There, Isabel was already sitting, but her glass was full up to the middle. 

I asked her Why. And you won't believe it. The dose was fifteen drops each. A minute later, while she was telling me what may happen if someone had an overdose of the potion, in the whole great Hall was heard a loud noise, like a firework. About 2m over the floor was Cho, with her face red as a tomato. Around her, were fireworks in different colors. She started going down. And…she landed horribly on her seat, which broke. No one spoke after what happened. Isabel and me had to do great efforts in order to suppress the laugh. Then, McGonagall stood up. She looked everyone with her harsh gaze and asked What had happened. Cho, answered in a sad, childlike voice that she suddenly was thrown by a *mysterious force* up to the ceiling. McGonagall just sat down, as if she was just kidding. Then, the chatter in the hall returned. But after fifteen minutes of calm and peace in the Great Hall, another similar firework noise was heard. Everyone looked towards Cho, who just shrugged. And then, another one. It came from Parvati and Lavender. And suddenly, Cho jumped out of her seat again. With the same noise as before. McGonagall bellowed "Who is the culprit!" I can remember it VERY well. No one raised its hand, but everyone looked around. It was like a dead-silence. And her words after a minute were: "If no one answers, I'll make sure you don't have any other Ball in Hogwarts" Yes. I can remember them well. And I write them because…They simply surprised me. I think it caused the same effect on everyone. Now there was something like a low whisper surrounding the Hall. And then, McGonagall spoke again. "Whoever made that, I'm sure knows a lot about magic…and potions" Then, everyone gazed at me. Seems I'm the only one here. Then, she sat down, with no other word. The chatter returned slowly, but it could be heard from over the noise Cho threatening *whoever* had made her jump like that. 

What can I say… the thing is that, after the dinner, Professor McGonagall called me to her office. And Isabel too. I don't know why…she's not exactly the *best* at Potions. But then, discovered she WAS in her former school. McGonagall stared at us with her harsh gaze for five long minutes, till Isabel couldn't hold it more and burst out crying. She was shouting all the time "WE WERE! WE WERE!" So now, as I don't want to tell more about that SHAMEFUL event, I'll just say We've got detention for April 11th. She says it's because Hagrid must return from France and she's expecting him to return by that date. Ah! And we lost 25 points from Griffindor each. Happy ending eh? (note the sardonic tone) and well, at least I got my revenge. I will never forget Cho with her mini-skirt and tank-top jumping high, smoke coming from her seat. *Popular Cho is launched high to the ceiling by Hermione know-it-all Granger* And then…Parvati and Lavender too! But McGonagall told us it was the potion used for Zonko's Fireworks…curious thing…after all, Isabel wasn't that good with the potions…Actually, she confused them…But anyways, we got what we wanted. REVENGE (note the evil grin on my face) MWAHAHAHA!!!!(that's an evil laugh)

_A/N: What can I say? I loved this chapter. I can imagine Cho in her skirt and little t-top up there in the ceiling with many fireworks surrounding her. And…RED with anger!!! MWAHAHAHA! It's that she's so…show-off and *cough* bitchlike *cough* I hate her…And Parvati and Lavender too, but not as much as I hate Cho. She's like the leader of the group…enough of my babbling. I'm sorry Cho fans…but…It's what I think and this is a free countr…*suddenly, someone puts a hand in her mouth* Right…just review…_

_D/C: I don't own 'em K? except Isabel and her fireworks potion, supposed to make your face as horrible as to break your mirror…_

_A/N: (again?...who cares?) well, tell me if ya liked the potion part. I LOVED it. And, hope at Chapter 7 the real action starts…I said it was going to start at 5? Well…I was wrong. Not yet…not yet…or it started already? I dunno...****_

**^_^\\lol****//[{****R&R****}]\\lol****//^_^**


	7. The Wronski Feint

**I Love You But I Hurt You**

_A/N: Chapter7…here it goes…and for me, got many inspiration for this, although I couldn't fit with my plot. So, I wrote it and I really like it. BTW I don't know if I wrote Quidditch and Hufflepuff. And I wanna know if the Wronski Feint is a Dive as I wrote…Could you please tell me? If it wasn't, then sorry. It's not really my fault I couldn't get the HP & GoF in English (it was E-X-P-E-N-S-I-V-E), so I read it in Spanish and it seems like I lend it and it got lost…well, enough and just R&R!!_

**Chapter7: The Wronski Feint**

April 12th 13:16

Yesterday was our detention. Hagrid told us to help him with the Quiddittch pitch, clean it and cut the grass of it, NO MAGIC. It's that today was the Griffindor v/s Slitherin match. Isabel is on the team so she has explained some things to me. Ah! And…Harry's the captain…poor him…really…well, and she's the keeper…Well the thing that it was awful. During the whole game Griffindor was playing Ok, Ron as a chaser…he's a good one. Till there it was pretty ok. But suddenly, as it always happens, the cheerful crowd was silent. Dead silence. Harry and Malfoy were in a dive, going very fast to catch something, of course, very near the ground, I saw the golden snitch. They were very near it, Harry was about to catch it when…he looked at me, fainted, and crushed. No one noticed it first but me. The rest were too busy looking the snitch. And then, they noticed him, because of the loud noise of the broom breaking into pieces, leaving nothing but splinters all around. Malfoy caught the snitch, as I heard the Slitherin crow cheer and clap. But I was running towards the place were Harry was. Dumbledore was coming too, and as he arrived, he casted a floating charm on him, and carried him to the Infirmary Wing. 

Soon, at the Infirmary door was all the Griffindor house, as well as some fellows from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. I was trying to go in too, as well as Ron and Isabel. But Madame Pomfrey was telling everyone to get out of there, as she closed the door rudely on our noses. I gave up trying to convince her to let me in. I went to my room, and now I'm here, writing as the others are down at the Common Room. 

Why did he faint? It's a question that can't get out of my mind. He had performed that dive several times, it is called "Wronski Feint" as Isabel told me, but the thing is that he had never fainted in a match, unless it was because the Dementors. But never for nothing. What if it was You-Know-Who? I don't think so, In that case, he would just cast a Killing Curse and that's all. But there was Dumbledore. So, it's impossible...I think. What seems logical is that someone from the crowd casted a Stunning Charm on him...perhaps to make Slitherin win...I don't know why. But the spell thing is the only possible way. Unless he...he didn't eat or...God! this is making me a terrible headache! But I have an idea...Perhaps I can go and ask Pomfrey if I can have something for my headache, and then, go and visit him...that seems all I can do for now. 

21:31

So after Isabel found me and asked if I could help her a little in something, I went to visit him. It's that I didn't want her to know, so we were in the library studying Herbology again, and then, finally could go. Pomfrey went to fetch me the potion and I went with Harry. He was already awaken and reading a book. He seemed like a 3 year old with that smile...

//flashback//

"Hey..."he said once he noticed me

"so...how are you?" I said approaching to his bed

"well...Pomfrey gave me a purple thing to drink and put some blue paste in here..."he said pointing to his arms, they were full of that blue paste, it was for bruises...I can't confuse that blueberry smell it's made of...

But then, Madame Pomfrey entered...I had totally forgotten I came here for my headache...

"Take it...So it was that after all..." she handed me the goblet full of a pink liquid, which I drank immediately.

"It was what...?" Harry said

"It seems you were victim of a joke because...you were under a stunning charm..." she ended with a smirk, and then left. She totally forgot about me, which was good, because I wanted to stay some more...

"Stunning charm..."I started remembering what I had written hours before...

//end of FB//

So, after all I was right, a simple stunning charm almost killed him…Well, then Pomfrey said he was ready to leave so, we walked to the Common Room…seems he, all of sudden, remembered what happened that day I-don't-want to-remember-right-now outside, because he was all the way staring at his feet or looking somewhere else but my side. I can't help it but feel guilty about it…

I remember when I was very little, and didn't know about the world, the problems, I was just happy because I was ignorant, that I felt guilty, always, after I did something. If I had broken a glass or a vase, I would always be found around there, crying. Seems it hasn't changed at all…hope the girls don't ask for me…then, they'll ask about this swelled eyes and tear-stained face…

It's so ironic…it's that life is like that. A friend of mine loves composing songs but…her voice is awful and simply can't sing. Or Isabel, she loved liked a certain boy who was to oblivious to even notice her, or Parvati, Lavender, Cho and the other air-heads. They are always worried about their looks, and if they don't they are simply horrible…and that's the most important for her…I guess. I never thought I'll end being friends with Isabel, when she arrived she was very mean and tried not to talk to girls, never worried about nothing and never studied…and me. ME of all people. All the girls wish to have none other than Harry Potter himself drooling for them and guess what: ME just the one that doesn't know how to love…me, who tried to seem as boring as possible. ME, the know-it-all, the bookworm…ME of all people. And that's what makes me feel like this. Just because it was ME of all people. 

Life is so Ironic…it makes me remember of a muggle song I once heard on the radio…I can't believe I worked so much to make it fly away, or at least not to have any more problems…all my hopes for this…all for nothing but one more problem, the worst of all. At least I didn't loose him as a friend. That would have been the most awful thing for me. But he's hurt, or I think he feels ashamed for opening my heart to me and he wasn't loved in return. And he is mistaken. If he could know my problem…if he just could…and if he could understand…I can't imagine what he may think. It's strange to hear from the person you love that s/he has a problem that when s/he goes out with someone, dumps him/her and both feel horrible after and, and s/he is hated after the brake up…that was difficult to write, but is the truth. I don't know what he may think. I would like to know the future…to know what will happen IF I dare to tell him. Yes, I'm thinking on telling him my problem…and none other that Isabel will help me. She has good marks on Divination and, although it's VERY difficult to admit, that will be useful for me. But just this time, because I HATE divination…but, she's asleep…

I think I should be too, so I leave this dwell of my secrets and thoughts in a safe place, till I feel in the need of putting my secrets again on it. That means BYE

_A/N: Wow! Nothing else to say. Harry suddenly fainted coz of a stunning charm casted by who-knows. So in next chapter we'll know (I dunno yet) who did it. All what Pomfrey did was to cast an Ennervate charm on Harry. Purple potion and Blue paste for bruises. So, we'll see what happens when I post chapter8. I dunno if I wait up to 10 reviews or not. Perhaps I'll get so desperate for posting the next chapter that I won't so…_

_D/C: I read in a fanfic that if s/he owned 'em, then s/he wouldn't be writing I fanfiction.net. So, I say the same. I don't feel like creating new D/C's…not that people reads 'em. Just a few lil' crazy ppl like ME!_

**//**\\@[^_^ReViEw^_^]@//**\\**


	8. Books

**I Love You But I Hurt You**

****

_A/N: This chapter is weird…and I'm longing for a pool…cold water…aahh! I'm melting! It's hot around here…and just before x'mas…well, I couldn't wait till I got 10 more reviews…I told ya, so I'm posting this, some sort of *x'mas present from ME to YOU* nah…just kiddin'…anywayz, MERRY CHRISMAS!_

**Chapter 8: Books**

March 14th 20:31

I asked Isabel if she could do predictions. She said she loved divination. Just as I guessed. So, then, I asked her my So-important question. If she could predict what may Harry say IF I told him about my problem. And she can't do that. Urg! I HATE divination. But at least she said I should tell him. Ginny was hearing (she didn't mean to) She was just entering our room to look ask us for something. So she said the same as Isabel. I'm preparing myself psychologically, that means as a pep talk from me to me. And Isabel gave me one too. It's ridiculous but…I need it! Then I'll write what happened. What's the most weird thing ever seen here at Hogwarts (and that's saying TOO much because weird things as moving staircases and talking paintings are normal) is seeing Harry Potter himself at the library, surrounded by "high towers" of think, old, dusty books. He even caught the odd looks of many others, specially Cho, Parvati and Lavender, who couldn't believe their ears as they were told. I couldn't either. Is not as he can't go there but…surrounded by TOWERS of books? I mean…that's ME…Well, now (note the DEEP sigh) breath in and breathe out…let's go Hermione, you can…

6:25 AM

God! I had a…nightmare, it's still alive in my mind…I was so…

//flashback//

It was a dark room. I couldn't see nothing. Not even myself. Suddenly, I saw a pair of eyes. Red , cat-like ones. They glowed with an eerie light that gave me the creeps. I felt shivers run up and down my spine. As the eyes got near, I saw the body, with an eerie glow too. The face had no nose, but two slits and no mouth. As it put my hands in my shoulders shivers ran all over my body. And then…it laughed evilly. After that, the whole image dissolved and I was in a room, an old one. I saw someone. The person turned, and it was Harry. He seemed sad and muttered something, I couldn't hear, I couldn't speak either. As I stepped forward, he stepped back. And yet again, the image dissolved. I was in my room. Someone pulled open the curtains of my 4-poster. It was the same figure with cat-like eyes. From a slit that was where should be the mouth, there was a slit. He muttered Voldemort…

//end of fb//

After that I woke up. I opened my curtains, and looked around. Nothing but the darkness surrounding me. I heard the loud snoring of Parvati. I gazed at my watch. 3:35AM. Then, woke up and went to the door. I didn't know whether to go down or not. The answer was clearly go down as I heard the same evil laugh inside my head. 

I stormed down to the common room, I was pretty scared now…and ran into someone. As I looked up, I noticed it was Harry. He looked very tired and was carrying a couple of books and his wand. He helped me to my feet and then…Herm, you're supposed to be trying not to flirt…not exactly hugging him. But that's what I did. I was pretty scared, as I said before…the nightmare had been so real…

He led me to my dorm, and…god! He gave me a good-night kiss…beautiful, but makes me feel even guiltier than before. I didn't tell him my nightmare, and neither what I had to. Isabel's pep talk was for nothing but…at least I can be more prepared…

What can I say? The kiss made me forget everything about the nightmare…actually made me forgot Hogwarts' rules too because…well Lavender woke up and…I had to hide him somewhere and…guess where I did. In my bed. Then, after Lavender was back in her 4-poster again, I was going to tell him the coast was clear but, he was sleeping, a smile in his lips. What did you want me to do? There was nothing left to do but leaving him there, in my bed. I closed my eyes and…well, I don't know nothing but that I just woke up to see he was no longer there. 

He looked really cute…and now, I can't go back to sleep. So I'll wait I can go and have breakfast. Informing from the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Hermione Granger, CNN.

21:25

It was very weird today. Harry was, as everyone supposed, at the library. I went there, I wanted to apologize because I dumped him and that I wanted to tell him what I had to AND ask him if he still wanted to go out with me. But it didn't work. It was…awful.

//flashback//

"Hey Harry…" I went near his table, once I spotted him, or, truth to be told, the tower of books. He didn't even lift his gaze to see who was there.

"ummm…Harry…I…"I tried to catch his attention again. But with no success. He just got to his feet and walked towards Madame Pince, the librarian. And me, following him. Madame Pince was helping some first years. 

"I'm taking this book…" he said, wit a cool voice

"I need…" she extended her hand, and Harry gave her a paper, which she analyzed. It was a signature. From the DADA professor. He was a young one, and very friendly to everyone, specially to Harry. He left the library, me following.

"What's up with you?" I asked a bit mad at him.

"ME? Nothing…I'm just…studying. Stop it right? As if I couldn't be in the library…" he sounded mad at me too. 

"I'm Sorry, I'm just…worried. "

"Wow! Hermione Granger is worrying about something that's far from her lil' nose! Now I'M surprised" he said, his voice full of irony.

"You don't even know what you're talking about. I…I" but I couldn't continue. It was like I couldn't think of a good come-back.

"All you care is books, school and boyfriends. I have more things to worry about than just drooling for you." He said the last very sharply. 

//end of fb//

I don't know. He leads me to my bed, kisses me and even sleeps with me and then…all of sudden, he's mad at me for nothing! Or is he right? I…well, somehow he's right. He doesn't know that in this exact moment I'm very worried about him. He doesn't know. But…that book…from the Restricted Area It's like this is a puzzle. You-Know-Who takes over the Ministry of Magic. Then, a spy comes with information from there, and works for Dumbledore. And then…Harry's studying from books from that area…

And then, at the Great Hall, he sat very far from me. Ron didn't know whether to go with Harry or me. It was strange. He finally sat with Ginny and Isabel. So I was eating alone…then, Malfoy went straight to Harry's spot. As I was far from that place, couldn't hear nothing. But then…Harry punched Malfoy in the nose. Malfoy punched him back. Professor McGonagall rushed immediately towards where they were fighting, and, as Isabel told me,. They were fighting because Malfoy started talking about what happened at the quidditch match, and that Harry couldn't stay in a broom without fainting and bla bla bla. The thing is Harry perhaps thought he was the one who casted a stunning charm on him and…well he punched him. And they got detention. I thinks that's all…so I'm going to bed, but not before reading a little of Hogwarts: a History and doing my History Essay…

_A/N: this was weird. I liked the kiss thing…so review. It's like there's nothing else to say…_

_D/C: nothing else to say as well but that they are JKR's. And CNN is not exactly mine. It belongs to who owns it… I dunno…_


	9. The Forbidden Forest

**I Love You But I Hurt You**

****

_A/N: You know? I'm going on vacation to my gran's house on the 29th….the same day I'm updating…and not returning till the 13st or something…so, happy new year to every1!!_

_Well…here goes the 9th chapter…what can I say I feel a lil' bit shy about posting this one in particular…I hoped I didn't get to this part of the story, or that something happened in order not to post this one but well…it's pretty good…pretty angst…pretty me…_

_(summoning courage from god-knows-where, a deep sigh and) well, here it goes_

**Chapter9: The Forbidden ****Forest******

April 25th 19:45

Today was Harry's detention. They had to go to the forest and look for something...those giant spiders were overpopulating the forest and they had to control them. Then he returned and was everything Ok. I mean as the detention was during the day, by lunch they were here. Harry rushed to the library. And now…he's nowhere in sight. He hasn't spoken to me since we fought. But Ron, Isabel and I had a 'lil talk yesterday…

//flashback//

"Do you know what's up with Harry Ron?" we were sitting at the common room. Ron playing chess with Isabel.

"Me? Nah…he won't tell me even if his life depended on that…nope, I dunno…" He shook his head and continued with his game, he was winning.

"But you're his best friend, you should know…" 

"And you are his girlfriend…YOU should know" how did he know…? I mean, I was taken aback.

"But…we aren't going out…"

"Already dumped him?...poor guy…then that's why he's immersed in books…" he was speaking too loud so…of course the whole common room turned to know more about what we were talking about. 

"We DIDN'T GO OUT" I said in a whisper, and pronouncing each syllable carefully, as if to make him get it well. 

"No?" he was taken aback too

"I told ya see? But NO ONE seems to care about what I say. Don't you know I'm good at divination? Or you already forgot about that?"

"So you knew sweetie? And didn't tell me?" Ron said, looking with quizzical eyes at his girlfriend

"RON! This…we…bye! I don't want to see you again!" she yelled, and stormed to the dorm.

"Isabel…" and he rushed to the dorm as well. So I was left alone, everyone staring at me. Then, Ron returned and muttered "see what you do?" and left to his dorm as well. Everyone was staring at me. All I did was to shrug and go to my dorm too.

//end of fb//

So now, Ron and Harry hate me. And Isabel…at least I can talk to her. Well, she's calling me right now so…I better go. Perhaps she wants more help in Herbology. It's so easy that thing…but she doesn't get a thing of what Professor Sprout speaks…so, I'm going…(BIG sigh)

April 26th 10:25AM

Yesterday was awful. I can't believe I was like that, I mean that cheerful, with all what was happening. Of course, I didn't know, but I should've known. I should've been with Harry. Then, nothing of this would've happened.

//flashback//

The 25th of April, Isabel and I were at the common room. We were studying Herbology. We had started long ago, and by then, it was around 11 o'clock. Not that we studied all the time. We mostly chatted about everything. Suddenly, Ron stormed into the room, catching many odd looks. He rushed upstairs, to the boys' dorm, and, after a while, he rushed down. He just took us by our wrists, and led us outside the portrait hole. 

"What happens?" Isabel asked, getting out of his grip.

"I…Harry's in problems…" he still had me in his grip, took Isabel, and started running again. 

Finally, we stopped, at the stairs outside. Between pants he explained a little.

"Harry…at the forest…You-Know…" He took us by the wrists again, and ran to the forest. When we were there, Isabel and I got out of his grip. We entered the forest, it was cold and dark. Soon, we found Harry's cloak. Nobody spoke. We were too afraid to do it. And then…we found him. He was walking slowly and carefully, as if You-Know-Who was going to pop out of anywhere at anytime. 

"Harry!" I couldn't help it but yell at him, and ran towards him. I hugged him. I was pretty worried. But he, looked at Ron.

"Why…?" he was asking him

"You can't go fighting him…even though you studied a lot…and you know what I mean…" Ron answered, with a cold voice.

"No…you must go…I mean you know what he'll do to you…" Harry sounded worried. I was still hugging him. He was stroking my hair.

"No, we're gonna fight as well and…" Isabel spoke. But was cut by a voice.

"So you finally found me…" said You-Know-Who's voice, that sounded as nails scratching a blackboard. I felt shivers run up my spine. Harry, was looking straight at him. I let him go, and stood by him.

"Sadly, I don't have my death eaters to watch your pitiful death Harry Potter" he stepped out of the shadows. He was just like in my dream. Just as I guessed. His red cat-like eyes emitting an eerie glow. Harry took out his wand. He wasn't going to give up easily. He has always been like that. Since our first year, when he fought against You-Know-Who for the first time. He's really obstinate.

"And my little plan worked…Sean did a good job…" Voldemort started speaking, more to himself than us.

"What are you talking about…you…?" said Harry

"Yes I did…Sean was a spy for Dumbledore…but he didn't think **I was sending him here…Of course I knew you would get your nose, and come to fight me…indeed you're and hour early…And you brought your friends here too…"he said, looking at us. Suddenly…**

"Expelliarmus!" Harry yelled. You-Know-Who stopped the red light that came from Harry's wand with one hand. Then, he pointed towards Isabel. 

"Crucio!" he yelled. Soon, Isabel was in the floor, a painful expression in her eyes. I took out my wand.

"Locomotor Mortis!" Ron yelled before me. It hit You-Know-Who, it made Isabel get out of the Cruciatus curse's effect, but it didn't take effect on You-Know-Who. Isabel laid on the floor, unconscious. Ron immediately rushed to her. 

"Carry her to the infirmary" commanded Harry's cold voice. But now…You-Know-Who was pointing me. I wanted to hide behind a tree, but the ray that came from Voldemort's wand hit me…it was the same Cruciatus curse. My whole body ached. And then…I couldn't see nothing but a dark cloud. Then, my eyelids were closing. And then I knew no more. 

Yesterday I woke up in the infirmary. My body ached a lot. I looked around. It was dark. Then I saw in my watch it was around 3o'clock. I woke up, but my legs were too weak. Perhaps Madame Pomfrey heard the thud, because, soon after, she came and put me back in my bed. She gave me some purple potion. I drank it, and it tasted really bad.

"How is Harry?" was the first thing I asked. I was very worried. 

"He's still unconscious. He must care about you a lot because…he brought you here…and then, fainted as if he was too weak to keep up…"

"God!...and how's Ron…?" I asked, staring at my side.

"He's unconscious too...happened the same as with Potter…but he came once before, he brought Gomez…"

"And how's…" she cut immediately and answered

"She's ok…she's as worried as you. And now, you should rest…"

I couldn't write then. But, then, Ginny came to visit us. She was very worried about her brother…and Harry. I asked her to bring me my diary. But Pomfrey didn't let me write till today. My hands ached a lot so it was difficult to write…

//end of fb//

Harry hasn't wakened up yet. Pomfrey is by Ron now, giving him some other potion. He's pretty injured, has bruises all over his body, and has a big wound in his left arm. I asked Pomfrey if I could go and visit Harry. I insisted a lot, so I went. He's worse than Ron. Bruises all over his body, and has a big slash in his back. I feel so guilty about it…if I had been with him when all of this happened, then he wouldn't be like this. Now, I'm here, sitting in my bed, my hands still ache, as well as my back. But I feel so guilty…I better stop writing. I don't want anyone to see me like this…crying like this…

He has suffered all this…all because of me. It's my fault. I should've been with him…to stop him from going…And I didn't. All because I was afraid. I was afraid another friendship would end. Of loosing him forever. Of falling again and being depressed again. But…It was worth nothing. It was worse. Now he's there, laying, unconscious. I tried to protect him. That's what I had convinced myself I was doing. But…It was worse. I'm a chicken…a big, yellow chicken. Afraid of hurting my self…afraid of life. Afraid of love…

_A/N: Wow! That's all what I can say. And that this chocolate cookies I'm eating are simply delicious. And that this is the hottest day ever…well we're in summer 'round here…but soon I'm going to my gran's house…she surely DOESN'T have a computer so…I'm not posting till the 13th. _

_D/C: oops!…not mine…JKR's_

_A/N: that last part…makes me a bit depressed…Hey! That sounds so much like…me!_


	10. The Infirmary Is Not The Best Place...

**I Love You But I Hurt You**

****

_A/N: There's just one chapter left guys…What will she put there? You may ask…well, there's a little bit, If I ended it right here…then, it'd be a sappy, unoriginal ending. But MY ending seems to be GREAT…_

**Chapter10: The Infirmary is not the best place**

March 28th 

00:25

Today Harry woke up. Is that, everyday I've gone there, mostly during lunch. It's that knowing he's here, and like this, and the thought it was all my fault, doesn't make me feel like eating. When I entered, and saw Madame Pomfrey by his bed, I couldn't help it, but give a sigh of relief. After she was done, and in another bed with another patient, I thought it was the best opportunity to talk to him, at least know how he was, and, perhaps, apologize.

I approached and stood by his bed. He was laying his back at the ceiling. The slash was covered with some blue paste…and he…he was reading a book as if he had nothing. 

//flashback//

"Harry…" I said sheepishly as I came nearer his bed…

"mmmm…was all he answered

"How…How are you…?" I sounded like a little girl…this voice of mine…

"ok…and you?" he didn't lift his gaze, and was still reading his book.

"I'm ok…you see, it was…it was nothing…but anyways, I must tell you something…" I felt like it was my fault what had happened, I didn't have the guts yet to look at him straight in the eyes. Yet. And the last…heck! I didn't mean to say it…what can I tell him instead? I looked around, searching for something to save my life. All I could see was a cheerful Isabel, by Ron's bed, doing thumbs-up, and grinning broadly at me.

"What?" he lifted his gaze from his book. His eyes had a painful expression. He wasn't as OK as he said…

"Ummmm…I…think…you…and me…want to gooutwithme?" I said in less than a whisper and blushing madly…I was crossing my fingers in my back…for him to say yes, or at least not to laugh at me. I looked downwards, to hide my red face. After a little while of awkward silence, I lifted my gaze again. He was in the same position as before, but his face was a bit pink.

"And your…your neighbor…?" he finally spoke, God! I had totally forgotten that thing…I looked around, for something to save me, for some idea actually, to say. Isabel was no longer there, she was going out of the Infirmary with Ron.

"ummm…he…he…he broke with me" that was the first thing I could come with. And then, as in afterthought I added "he's going out with another girl and…" 

"And you aren't sad about it?" he said, looking me straight at my eyes…I couldn't help it but stare back. They had lost their painful expression, and shone with a little happiness. 

"No I…" but couldn't finish. Someone yelled "TREVOR!!" and then…a toad jumped over my head, making me duck. It landed at the other side of the bed. I was a few inches of Harry's face. I leaned closer. With this I was going to put an end to my problems…and perhaps his. I closed my eyes…when suddenly, a kid's voice said

"TREVOR! Here you are toad…!" I turned around. It was none other than Neville. He still had that childish, high-pitched voice…He was very nice to me sometimes but now…I felt like killing him. It seemed true that he ruined the best moments with some nonsense… Harry must've felt the same because…Neville put an horror face, and ran away, his toad in his hands. I guessed it was Harry, who gave him a murdering glare or something…I heard him mutter some dark things. Then, I stood up, seeing there was nothing left to do, and too shy to kiss him all of sudden. But he took my hand, and pulled me back. I turned around, my gaze landed on his eyes, puppy eyes he had right now…. It was like he was begging me to stay or something…and who's able to refuse those eyes of his…?

"Where were we?" he said, a mischievous grin in his lips and making me duck by him. My face was again, a few inches from his. I could feel his breath, and myself blushing. And then…he leaned closer. I leaned closer too, our lips met, and all I could feel was his warm lips on mines, his tongue with mine. Warmth was spreading all over my body. It was the best of many kisses…even that one under the cloak…I was so…so happy, I felt like a feather…perhaps because of the kiss, perhaps because I had done what I had to, at last. Perhaps both…who knows…Then, I heard something. I broke the kiss, but he pulled me closer to him, and kissed me again, softly first, and then growing more passionate…I was really enjoying this…

But, as good things don't last forever, I heard a cough. We broke again. I turned around, and was Madame Pomfrey, and, at the back, a sneering Malfoy. Her face showed she was a bit mad at us, but that she felt happy for us too. She made me go out of the Infirmary, saying I was disturbing the patients…

//end of fb//

Malfoy followed out too. He was sneering. He just stared at me with his common cold stare, and left. It didn't took the effect he wanted on me. Because I felt like jumping all around Hogwarts. There was a huge grin on my face. Everyone shot odd looks at me, specially Cho and her friends…Wow…I feel great! I went to the common room, there was Isabel, snogging with Ron…She looked up at me, and whispered something to Ron. Then, both of them started giggling…well, they live in their own pretty world, as I live in mine…

May 1st 

19:06

And I'm still in the clouds. Of course by now the whole school knows about what happened days ago at the forest. And what happened at the Infirmary too, courtesy of dear Draco Malfoy. (total sarcasm) Many girls are jealous…of me, the know-it-all, the bookworm…I bet no one expected this…I mean, they considered me too shy for dating "the famous" Harry Potter…(mischievous grin) yes, I had to write that. What I like the most…in the night, going to some place deep in the forest, with him…alone…well, he says he has never kissed before and all that…but I think he's great. I'm not sounding like Hermione Granger…and that's dangerous. Better to focus on this Transfiguration things…then I'll have to help Harry with 'em…JUST help him you sewer minds…there are some pervert people that think OTHER things from us…(but I stick my tongue to them…) no I don't…But anyways, I like all this of being in love…and being loved in return…(deep sigh) Well, I'm off to help Harry right now…bye!

_A/N: It is difficult to make Herm happy, when you are not like that…it's not that I'm sad right now…I'm ALWAYS in a sad mood…I'm weird K? so this chapter was between Not-very-good and Crap for me…so you tell me what you think about it K? _

_D/C: no, I'm not JKR…I don't own 'em…K?_

_A/N: I should really stop with the "K?" thingy…_


	11. A simple Epilogue

**I Love You But I Hurt You**

_A/N: last chapter! (burst into tears) Sniff! I never believed I was going to see the day I…I…finished this story! Sniff! (now more calm) well, just read and review. And don't forget to read the notes at the end._

**Chapter11: A simple epilogue**

September 16th

17:34

After what happened that day at the forest, I was dating the famous Harry Potter. For Voldemort, things weren't very good. He was caught by Dumbledore in the place, but he managed to escape. As for the ministry, there's nothing we, the students, can do in order to free it. That doesn't mean Dumbledore is not fighting to do it. And of course, Harry is trying to help as much as he can. If he didn't have some other things in mind, such us….girls, quidditch and even some butter beer mixed in his head, he would do much more. 

After 2 months of happiness, most of the Hogwarts' students couldn't believe Harry Potter and Hermione Granger, the ideal couple, was breaking apart. Everyone who knew about this, and was hearing the most resent news, wondered the reason. And after a week of wondering How, What, Where, When and Why, the answer came, for the crowd's delight.

It seemed that Hermione was cheating with a Slitherin 7th year, who obviously, provided the information. But the truth was far from that. It was that Harry, after hearing what was Hermione's problem, seemed no longer interested in her. 

Her closest friends didn't understand the strange behavior Harry was having, as well as his decision of breaking up with her. They say, and this is true, that she became more focused on books than ever before, getting higher marks, and became more lonely. But, after another 2 months of being completely alone, she started getting along with the same Slitherin boy that had provided the information to the crowd. Many girls still can't accept that Draco Malfoy is with such a mudblood, as Hermione is called, for being muggleborn. 

But for Harry, things weren't different from his ex-girlfriend. After a month of loneliness, he was seen with a red-headed girl from 5th year, Ginny Weasley. Although some rumors said Harry came immediately to Cho Chang's arms, a Ravenclaw 7th year, they were soon denied by Harry Potter himself. After Ginny, followed Parvati Patil, Lavender Brown and Samantha Finnigan, all from the Griffindor house. It is said that Harry and Hermione still feel something for each other because, although each has a date, they still can be caught staring dreamily at each other, when no one is looking. And it's that the first true love is not very easy to forget, specially if the road was difficult and full of falls and… 

Specially if the one you loved was your best friend. 

Because, although everything is over, although I put every hope in me to be with you, although I put my heart in your hands, and you broke it down in many pieces, I know that there's still something left, in the ashes from what our love was once. From the great, warm fire it was, there's something in your heart still left for me. I know that my hopes were worth far more than another fall, another broken heart. I know that, although I hurt you so much in the past, I can still be your friend. We made up our lives again, ignoring what we left behind, the wound in our hearts, the tears in each others eyes the moment we said goodbye. Sometimes my heart still aches for you, it has always done. But I must go on, not looking back, just as you did. Although I'm not like you, I must try. You're strong, I'm weak. But, I can still stand up alone. I wish you the best, that you're happy whatever you do, whoever you give your heart to. I want you to know I don't hate you, as you didn't hate me after what had I done to you, you still loved me after all what I had done. Now my heart beats for another one, not you, but there always be a place, warm, tidy and comfortable, just for you, as I know, that there's a place in yours, just for me.

This was my heart

I put it in your hands

But you broke it down in many pieces

Coz it seems you never took care bout me

And all what's left

It's nothing but a whole lifetime

The tears fall slowly down my face

And I must continue everyday

And since the day you went away

I learnt how to fly

And be free again

C'mon, that sounds too sappy. I mean, we're no longer a couple. And there's no chance for us. But in everything, even in the worst thing ever, there's something good. At least in this one, I know that…that…at least it wasn't my fault we broke up…

Perhaps I can have something with Malfoy…he's really nice and all that, he's changed a lot and…who knows? May be there's a chance o happiness for me, because taking chances is what I like…

Well, it's getting late for my date at Hogsmeade, and guess who is? Malfoy…

**The End**

_A/N: well, this is the end of the story. I must thank:_

_-All of you reviewers, hermione0018, rokjai, kate janeway, verity, Nick, Erin-21, remi, KittyAngel &StarFig, Gary Skinner, Knarse, Kimberly, ThE cRaZy KaCcEe, Clare, Budgiebird, Draco's Princess, shazaoblossom, The awesome, one and only, Rae-Chan, Cherry Blossom, Geneathen, lizi, akemi akibi, Satans Little Princess, kimmi, JakeMax9579, AnzGolDragonGod, Sarah, Smile, Andros, Black Robe, Jacks, CindyLea, amy potter, Hermione Megami Potter, LittleWolfie, sugar-n-spice. Thanks a bunch for reading and be patient and waiting for the next chapter to come…THANX!_

_-Constanza Gonzalez, because those lyrics are from her song, "And all what's left" actually our song, but she did most of the work, and for actually daring to click on fanfiction.net…I never thought she of all people would do it…_

_-My dad…it's his computer and he pays the internet connection and lets me use it_

_-My sister aka Tina and my brother, for letting me use the computer without them watching every move and for understanding when I *politely* asked 'em to leave_

_-My OTHER sister Berni (Bernardita Ana) aka Benihana, for checking this, although she misses many things. She's like my beta-reader…_

_I really enjoyed writing this story, and my favorite chapters were 1,3, 6, 9 and 11. Hope you think the same…_

BYE!

**^_^starrynight ^_^**

**READ THIS BEFORE YOU GO**

**PS: I'm thinking of another fic. And I need a beta-reader Sadly, Benihana is trying to get focused on school, ON VACATIONS! So I'm BEGGING for a savior of Souls in Distress who will mail me to isivi@latinmail.com and will tell me "Hey! I want to be your beta-reader" PLEASE!? I REALLY need it!**

* * *


End file.
